I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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