Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
