We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
