I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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