you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
