Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
handjob tips. give me some.
Sober January is a disaster.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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