so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
