Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
