yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
