Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
