guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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