I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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