hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
