so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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