Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
