The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
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Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
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He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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