Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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