Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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