You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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