Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But theres a keg here and me gusta
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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