I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
