listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He better not be in your backpack
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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