you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
