Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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