There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
