Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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