Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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