I got chris browned last night
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
no more duck duck goose at the bar
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
