the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
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I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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