the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
