in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize