I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize