Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
