oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
