The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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