someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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