Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
