My room smells like vodka and shame
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
