i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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