I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I looked at my own cervix.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
