Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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