I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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