Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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