The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
