Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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