He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
