Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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