1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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