Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
