I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
