I wish you could order shots online.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
