i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
