there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
