I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
