I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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