Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
